Normally, when it comes to deodorant, I’m a Lynx man. If you’re a fan of JP Trivia, that one’s for you.*
The other day, however, I was in the Men’s section of the Toiletries aisle in Waitrose and, out of the corner of my eye, I spied an offer; two for one on ‘Right Guard 3-D.’ I like a bargain, and decided that I could manage without the Lynx Effect for a while. After all, I was sporting some stubble, I have the beginnings of a proper tan, and my physique is starting to show the benefits of my recent bout of swimming. Plus, if you’re an “I’m-not-shallow-it’s-all-about-the-personality” type, I am witty and charming. And modest.**
So, having given Lynx the cold shoulder, I headed to pay, oblivious to the fact that this was not to be the end of this particular non-story. Instead, let’s fast-forward a couple of days…
I was at a morning prayer meeting before work and - don’t tell anyone – my mind was wandering. As everyone else was thanking God for things, or praying for something, I was thinking that I could smell something quite feminine. I also began to realise that I couldn’t blame it on a girl sat next to me, because there wasn’t one.
It then dawned on me why a) Right-Guard 3-D was on offer and b) I could have chosen (but didn’t)*** a ‘Scent Free’ variety. It’s because most men don’t want to smell like women. Don’t get me wrong, there is something to be said for showing that you are vaguely in touch with your feminine side – we all know that I like metrosexual tea, for example. But what I fear that I am about to experience over the coming months (I have two cans of Right-Guard to get through) is a ‘Reverse Lynx Effect.’
It doesn’t matter how many chillis I eat, or how many man points I earn in other ways. The fact is, ladies and gentlemen, I smell like a girl. Fail.
*Put it on the list after the fact that Krispy Kreme donuts are the way to my heart (if you really want to impress me, buy me a Maple Glazed one).
**To be fair, the stubble was genuinely verified as “good” by my female housemate.
***I thought it was pointless. That will teach me.